Secrets – DON’T LOOK!

Sucker! Reverse psychology works. Hahaha.

Some of my secrets have never been revealed….until now.

Why do I keep using every dish in the house? Every single god damn time. I can’t get angry or yell at anyone else because I live alone. It’s ME! It drives me crazy. I’m the plate and utensil dirtying idiot.

A meal here, a snack there, a cat dish everywhere. The next thing I know there’s a stack of porcelain piled so high it looks like I’ve just fed a hoard of starving Ethiopians. I have to wash them because I don’t want my kitchen to smell like I have a sewer rat as a pet. I always make it such a chore.

Seriously, why can’t I just keep using the same plate?

Yeah…don’t act like I’m the only one. Even Jackie Chan has issues.

And then there’s my cats…

I relax and sink down into my tub filled with warm water, Epsom salts and lavender.

OH YES…BLISS! Feelings of pure heaven.

Why do those two torture inflicting furballs of mine always defecate such a smelly shite every single time I’m in the bath?

My two cats probably talk to each other. “Okay, she’s in there. No…no, don’t eat the dry crap, eat a Jethro sized bowl of that wet, funky smelling food. Yeah, that’s it. Gobble it down fast. Let’s blow her out of the water with a vile submarine turd missile. We’ll target the enemy. The result will be catastrophic.”

They set their plot in motion. The foul smell eventually permeates over to the bathroom and slowly drifts up my nose like a twerking genie returning to his bottle. It hits my nostrils like a I-HISS terrorist attack. This soul destroying stench puts me into a state of septic shock almost knocking me out cold. It’s like they know exactly how to time it. When it assaults my senses I could die a million deaths.

I scream in agony. “NOOOOOOOO!”

~And then here’s my greatest secret of all ~

My bonsai tree has a penis!

Men, don’t be jealous.

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19 thoughts on “Secrets – DON’T LOOK!

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