The Rantings of a Cashier

Hello, I’m the Grocery Whisperer. How may I be the brunt of your life’s failures and shortcomings today?

Here’s some things that make me want to kick you in the shin.

What really peeves me is when you discard your shopping cart in front of me and block all the other customers. Seriously, do I look like your buggy maid? Don’t be lazy. Show some class and put things away after yourself. How about…I’ll show up at your place of employment and throw around a few staplers. Then I’ll photocopy my fairly large, but firm bum and gently cascade one hundred copies onto the office floor. You go ahead and pick it up though, because it’s your job and the customer/client is always right.

Another delightful experience is when you leave food behind in the red grocery basket that you decide you don’t want. Hey, I’m not going to chow off your arm like a hungry bear zombie because you changed your mind about the chunky peanut butter. Seriously, hand it to me. It saves me from rolling my eyes when I discover it. Too much of that strains them and I don’t want to end up looking like Marty Feldman.

Must you talk on your cell phone when I’m asking you how you’d like to pay?

YOU.KEEP.DOING.IT

I’d love to take your phone and smash it to bits on the counter with a six pack of Orange Crush. Then I’ll chug the frothy brew like an open keg at a frat party while you rant about your phone being ruined. Oh, so now I have your attention and you want to talk? Perhaps you don’t realize what a rude and ignorant piece of smelly armpit tuft you are.

When something won’t ring in, quit saying it must be free. Like, I’ve never heard that one before. You know what else is free? My scanning gun’s laser in your eyeball.

You forgot your wallet in the car? OMG, check your pockets before you cash out, it’s not that hard. Look, I’m on express. The line gets as backed up as a starving rhinoceros pigging out on bananas and cheese. ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t cut it because now I have to ring everything through faster than a high-strung Speedy Gonzalez on steroids, and everyone else in line is angry as a smashed hornet’s nest because they had to wait for you.

You stroll in to purchase items two minutes before the store closes. Seriously, are you going to be that person? Some folks are as smart as a box of rocks. No, no, be completely selfish and shop. I’ve only been working for thirteen hours straight with no break, ready to drop on the floor like a fly that just got her head smashed in by a paralysing Raid can, but you go ahead and fill up your cart with all your low fat, gluten free foods. I’ll just wait another fifteen minutes past closing for you…and bleed.

Oh, you’ve got a bad flu, too? Well, have a cough all over the counter before you leave. Have a good sneeze on the money before you hand it to me as well. I wanted the bubonic plague. Thank God you came in. Feel better soon.

I

22 thoughts on “The Rantings of a Cashier

  1. In large stores, most customers lack common sense, which simply adds to the irritation. You raised few important points. One point which irritates me is when people block the way with their shopping cart. While processes are in place, it’s always good to use some common sense.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I run the store at night so I don’t think that will happen. lol. They were talking about putting in two self-checkouts in about 2-3 years. Thanks for the nomination and for reading, Deb. It’s always a pleasure to see you. πŸ˜€ x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I used to work in customer facing jobs, my first in a supermarket doing the currency exchange I NEVER served people if they were on the phone I’d wait until they noticed and hung up haha!
    Then I moved to the airport the amount of people that would take their passports out of their mouths and try to hand me them was a joke, I would always ask them to wipe their spit and give it me back πŸ˜©πŸ˜‚πŸ˜©πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You are too funny and O.M.G!!! I can relate!!! I work retail and as much as I love people my mind has been blown I don’t know how many times by the way people in retail are treated! It’s astounding! MOST people are lovely and seriously well-intended….but there are days when the things You listed happen over and over and over. It almost seems to come in waves sometimes. We had a day a couple of weeks ago where what You list was going on and worse. All. Day. Long. It was mindblowing. We figured a tour of angry people had invaded the island! Thanks for making me laugh. Hang in there and know that You ROCK!!! πŸ™‚ Cheers and don’t let them get You down!!! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  4. As Kurt Lewin, the founder of Social Psychology, pointed out, the momentary life situation (mls) always trumps the general life situation (gls). You are pointing out instance after instance of this.

    Liked by 1 person

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