Why does it have to be so hard?

Depression can make you not care.

I walked past the bakery today and noticed pumpkin cheesecake. Um…just kill me. Take a knife, stab me, beat me to a pulp with a baseball bat, chop me into little bits, then put me in the meat grinder to be made into burgers.

Seriously~it’s torture.

I wanted it. I wanted it bad. And no, I can’t have it, because I have no self control around it. I’ve been cursed with a sweet tooth. If I knew which one it was I’d yank it out!

I have to deprive myself of 3,500 calories just to lose one pound. UGH… It’s all fun and games until your stomach mushrooms like an atomic bomb and your jeans don’t fit.

It’s coming off so slowly. I know…I know, one to two pounds a week is a healthy way to take it off, but it’s going so slow I feel like I’m a hippopotamus time traveller going backward.

We live in a society where we are used to having instant results. That’s not going to happen. It could take me over a year to get to the weight I want to be. Then maintaining it is a whole other nightmare.

Yes, it’s a nightmare. Why? Because I don’t want to be freakin’ fat. Ha ha! I don’t want to gain it back. I’ve heard so many failure stories and I don’t want to add myself to that list of losers. And it’s not the good kind of loser.

I realise I should be focusing on my accomplishment of losing forty-two pounds. I should also be proud of myself for having some self control around the pumpkin cheesecake.

I just have to glance at a carb and I start to look like I belong in a Jurassic theme park. High fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated oil and bleached white flour seems to be in everything.

I feel a disconnect. I love food but I also fucking resent it at the same time.

I feel like a woman in labour and food is my husband. I’m crushing his hand and screaming, “YOU DID THIS TO ME!”

I wonder if I will ever have a good relationship with food or if I’ll always be headed to divorce court?

I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way.


22 thoughts on “BLUE MOO-D

  1. You are so not alone…just this a.m. I thought, “Well…maybe I will never reach my goal by Nov. 1…which is 125 pounds.” But then I think I have only been doing this for less than a year…and let’s me honest. It took many months and years to gain this weight.
    Be patient. I personally don’t believe in a lot of denial…could you not just eat a small portion? A sliver? A morsel…perhaps?
    Good luck, kiddo. We’ll make it.
    P.S. Do you know what 42 pounds equal??? Over 10 4# bags of sugar!! You’re doing just great…plus you’re writing is really good!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, Tina. I don’t think I could eat a small portion. I have no self control when it comes to cake. lol. I do eat a bit of dark chocolate, I don’t totally deprive myself. I know it took many years and lots of depressive bouts to gain the weight, especially when my parents and best friend died. It was rough. Really rough. Thanks for the compliment about my writing, it means a lot. xo



    ◇ Diamond Hard – when We Convince OurSelves that No Matter what We Do it’s The Right Thing in The Right Place at The Right Linear Time and ‘WRONG!!!’ is Purely Reflection in The Aftermath Amazing Things Happen; let That Sink In – Diamond Hard




    ♤ If Seeking Solutions; find Me more than welcoming 😀
    ♧ If Promoting Problems; please Stay The Fuck Away from Me or Else Suffer The Consequences 😡
    ♤ Your CHOICE!!! Pretty Simples Really 😎😇🤗


    Liked by 2 people

  3. ◇ Diamond Hard – I THINK!!! We CAN!!! Shed The Influence of Others; it’s Crystal Clear Clarity that I Spend Most of My Linear Time in Solitude and My Few Friends don’t Give a Fuck about My Obesity – Diamond Hard


    Liked by 1 person

      1. ♡ To Be Blunt We ARE ALL Gonna get “incapacitated” EveryOne and then DIE!!! Our Physical Vessel Gone yet Our Essence Remains…to Buy (Pun Intended) in to The Myth of “health” peddled by The Likes of Weight Loss Corporations and Pharma Robs Us of Enjoying 3DLife by Getting in to Our Heads for Our Money; so I AM prepared to DIE!!! Now and in the MeanTime I AM so THOROUGHLY ENJOYING MYSELF!!! 😆😅😄😃😂😁😀😉😊


        Liked by 1 person

      1. I never had to battle my weight. Quite the reverse in fact. I was a skinny runt for years – and never became plump. Well, not so far anyway. There’s still time, I guess.


  4. I hope you can reach and maintain a healthy weight. However, there are better words than dieting — even successful dieting. Courage is one. Endurance is another. Faith and compassion are two more. Whether or not chronic dieters regain the weight they have so desperately struggled to lose, they are human beings. No one is a “loser” in the sense that you have applied the term. That idea only enforces that self-hatred taht so often leads to over-eating. Wishing you well, A. ❤


  5. Hi, Anna. I don’t pussyfoot around the words to make myself feel better. The fact of the matter is that I needed to stop eating junk because my blood pressure was getting high and I don’t want to have a heart attack or stroke. I have no self hatred at all. I had to face reality and make a choice to change my eating habits, because I don’t want to be sick or diseased. I am talking about a change of diet, not dieting. They are two different things. I just make better choices. I know I will succeed because I am determined to have a better life than my parents did.


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