Coronavirus Words

I’m laying here in bed – alone. Nobody wants to come near me.

I’ve been on the front lines, working eight hours a day or more all week, ringing in hoards of toilet paper, hand sanitizers and everything else people can get their dirty little hands on.

I’m exhausted.

The CDC said that everyone should avoid anywhere that has over 250 people or more. Well, one thousand or more people go through my line every day.

My place of employment informed us they don’t want us handling customer’s shopping bags, but they are is still making me handle money and Airmiles so really, what’s the point? The Corona Virus is going to travel on the money.

I’ve been wearing gloves and I’ve used sanitizer. I’m not touching my face. I have tried to be diligent. Does anyone care that I am exposed? No, as long as the grocery store doesn’t close, and there is still somebody available to ring in their chips and other processed shit so that they can bunker down, germ free.

I don’t even want to go to work, but dammit, I need the money.

Only one person out of thousands asked me if I have enough food. ONE.

Isn’t that grand?

I find humanity cold and disgusting.

~GW

Literally.

Coronavirus and Other Nasties

I’m at work. A lady strolls up to the cash with her son and he has pink eye.

The child is wiping his crusted eye, then he puts the pink eye medication up on the conveyer belt. Then his mother hands the precious disease bundle her Airmiles card, and he hands it to the cashier.

UGH…pathogens. The whole front end had to be disinfected.

OMG, did it not clue into her thick head that this virus is contagious? Of course, it probably did, but you know what? She didn’t care. Pink eye is airborne, never mind the shit load of virus on his fingers. It’s not the kid’s fault though, she’s the twat.

It pisses me off to no end. People are as sharp as a bag of wet mice.

Folks, that’s the problem. Nobody cares, or they are just ignorant. People are dirty, filthy pigs who have absolutely no hygiene and they couldn’t care less if they infect the entire human race. Once they catch something, they aren’t bothered one iota if they give it to you or kill anyone else around them. I’ve heard folks admit it.

They laugh and say, “I like to share things. If I get it, everyone should have it.”

Yeah, that’s funny if you’re an asshole.

Now it’s flu season and I want to constantly wash my hands and spray Lysol into anyone’s face who even slightly coughs near me. Better yet, let me wear a hazmat suit at work.

I started wearing disposable gloves because of all the dick-wads who lick their fingers and then hand me money.

Pandemics are spread like the Coronavirus, because once people get it, they just blow germs over everything. God forbid they must stay home and miss out on a butter sale.

At the end of the day you better hope and pray you have a good immune system, because people who knowingly have the plague will have no guilt about shaking your hand or sneezing into your grapes.

If you do get sick via some ignoramus idiot, The Grocery Whisperer has your back. Check out my other blog about how to kill a virus. Keep all these ingredients handy.

https://thegrocerywhisperer.wordpress.com/2019/03/27/how-to-kill-a-virus/

Be smart out there, and be well.

~GW

Living The Dream

Hello fellow blogzonians. Did you miss me?

Well, I haven’t been around much, that’s because I got locked out of my blog. Yeah, for two whole months.

Big frickin’ whoopie doodles, right? Well, a lot has happened since Christmas. You missed out on so many of my brain warping whisperings.

My life is fantastic right now, but I’m still plagued by assholic, privileged shitheads…what some might refer to as customers, meandering into my workspace, making my day as miserable as they can possibly muster. Alas, at least I don’t live with them. Then I’d really want to shoot myself in the head.

I don’t understand how somebody can stand there, screaming in my face like a tantruming toddler and expect a positive outcome. It makes me want to help them even less.

One day I worked a long shift and at the end of the day I felt like I’d been hit by a baseball bat, a train and a semi carrying a large cargo of razor blades.  I felt incredibly tired.

A lady walked up to the cash with a face so low she could clean the floors with her chin. I asked her if she wanted a bag, and she snapped, “NO!”

Okay, that’s fine. I guess she’s not using any magic words today.

I rang through the rest of her items and then asked her, “would you like a bag?”

Her eyeballs popped out of her sockets and her face turned as red as an inferno. “You already asked me if I wanted a bag!” she screamed loudly.

“Okay sorry I forgot, I’m tired!” Jesus…I thought she was going to grab her French bread and beat me with it.

The world is filled with crabby ass people who have no manners.

~GW

Phone Groan

Hello, everyone. Yeah, I’m still working at the grocery store. Necessity or insanity, I’m not sure which.

A lady walked up to my cash talking on her cell phone. Well, you should all realize by now this behaviour drives me batty. It’s beyond bad mannered.

Anyhoo…

I ask her if she would like a bag and I get completely ignored.

I repeated myself…

“Ma’am, would you like a bag?” (Insert noise of crickets chirping)

So I started shoving everything in bags anyway.

“Ma’am, how would you like to pay? With credit, debit or cash? Ma’am…Hello?”

Then she has the audacity to lift her hand in front of my face and wave it like the Queen, making grunting noises as if to say I’m disturbing her phone call. “Oourgh, oourgh, oourgh!”

Seriously? She’s ruffling my dander. Okay, now I’m starting to get pissed off. I get ornery when I’m pissed off. This means war.

So then I started talking. “How many bags would you like? How would you like to pay? Debit, credit, or cash? Cold weather isn’t it? Boy, be careful you don’t get a sore neck holding your phone like that! Would you like me to put a produce bag on your meat? Those cookies are a really good price, aren’t they? We have a lot of things on sale today. Well, thanks for the attentive conversation. You have a really nice day now!”

She didn’t look impressed but too fucking bad. She shouldn’t be so rude. Grunting is not a conversation. If your addiction to your phone is that bad, get help.

It’s my biggest pet peeve. If you do this, stop it.

Everyone knows I like to sing…

You could while away the hours
Conferrin’ with cell towers
Consultin’, rude, insane

And your head, you’d be scratchin’
While your thoughts were busy hatchin’
If you only had a brain.

Scooby-doobilly-do

Admit it, you just sang this song. Hahaha!

Honestly, get off your fucking phone~

Story of my life…

~GW

Gratitude

A lady came up to my cash at work today to pay for her groceries.

“Hi there, how are you?” I asked as I began to ring in her purchases.

“Stressed,” she replied.

“Oh, how come?” I inquired.

She told me she recently lost her job at a bank in finance, and felt really stressed because she has no income.

“Oh no. How did you lose it?” I continued.

“I had a nervous breakdown,” she explained.

“I’m so sorry. Well, you can always apply for a job here. It’s pretty much stress free. We are always looking for new employees and at least you’d have some money coming in.”

“No,” she blurted. “This job is beneath me.”

Her words caught me off guard. I just stared at her in disbelief. You know, I really felt kind of insulted, almost like I needed to defend myself. Did she think we are all a bunch of uneducated dummies or something?

Does she think I’m so poor that I should chase a garbage truck with my grocery list? I think she just made me a member of a leper colony.

“I’m educated, you know,” I remarked, trying not to seem utterly offended or that I took it personally. “I have diplomas in many different fields.”

My eyebrows raised. “You explained that you are stressed and have no money, but some money is better than no money.”

“Maybe if I got a job as the manager, but I would never do your job. It would be too humiliating,” she stated. “My bank is close to this store and if anyone saw me working here, I would be so embarrassed.”

“Okay,” I said, and continued to bag her groceries.

She paid for her food and as she walked away I muttered, “have a nice day.”

Jesus. I think this chick needs to learn gratitude. I guess she’s never been hungry. A nervous breakdown should be a hint she’s in the wrong occupation. Sometimes the money isn’t worth it. For the record, I happen to like my job.

When the universe hands you an opportunity, don’t kick him in the stars.

~The look on your face~

~GW

Customers

Have you ever had those days when you’re holding a stick, and everyone looks like a piñata?

Advantageous Bitch

A lady took an item off the shelf with an expired tag. When she realized the item would be free due to our scanning policy, she left and walked down the isle to get the other flavours. She wanted those free too. The cashier told her that isn’t the way it works.

I mean, it’s taking advantage of the store. Just because something is legal it doesnt mean it’s right, or that you should be a douche bag.

When a cashier explains that it’s not company policy, (for the customer to screw us up the ass), it doesn’t give anyone the right to call us names like stupid or dumb, and then state we aren’t trained properly. This chick started hoopin’ and hollerin’ like a truck driver on crack. She asked for the manager. He ended up giving her what she wanted just to get her out of the store. Personally, I hope she chokes on it.

The Ungrateful Wench

A customer walked up to the cash to pay for her groceries but only had two dollars on her gift card. She said twenty dollars should be on the card. She yelled, got irate and rude, called the cashiers stupid, and when she did dig up some cash out of her pockets her total remained twenty cents short.

“That’s not a big deal right?” she snapped. “I can come back tomorrow with the twenty cents.”

The cashier responded, “well it wouldn’t have been a big deal had you not been so rude. I actually would have paid for your whole grocery bill, because it’s Thanksgiving.”

The girl sneered, “oh sorry, well my boyfriend got me to talk like this.”

The cashier replied,” well, perhaps you should re-learn how to talk to people.”

The Moaner

A man walked into the store moaning ooo, ahhh,” all the way to the bathroom. He entered the facilities, grunting loudly for everyone to hear, “OOooo, Aaah, Ughhhh”…pushing and moaning. Then he leaves the latrine staring at the floor, and walks out the door. How delightful.

Remember, always be polite to your cashier, or you just might end up in this blog.

~GW

Tips For Busy Assholes

DelightfuL

When I’m standing at my cash preparing to serve you, please make sure you don’t stink. By stink, I mean that you don’t have an obnoxious, biohazard stank breath. It’s fucking disgusting. I don’t want to smell the insides of your digesting gut. It makes me take a step back and I’ll talk to you from an impersonal, lean backward stance. I know I might be asking for too much, but can you please gargle with a vat of Listerine and chew on a whole bottle of cloves? Actually, just douse your throat with a jug of Clorox. Stop molesting each and every one of my nose hairs.

Tooth brushes are on sale on isle two. Or, there is duct tape to cover your gob. Even better!

This is literally my face.

I’m going to give you a little helpful exercise. Lick the palm of your hand and smell it. Take a deep and long whiff. Try not to choke on your own pong. That’s what your breath is doing to society. I’ve walked into the grocery store and the air smells toxically sour because of somebody’s back alley sewage water breath, so I have to go around spraying febreeze just so that I can get through my shift without gagging up my breakfast and lunch. It’s like an animal that climbs up my nose, borrows into my head and lives there.

Is it rude to throw a breath mint into somebody’s mouth when they are talking? Ha!

Also, after you pay for your items, please take your receipt. If you need to return something at a later date, you’ll need to have that piece of inconvienience you want to toss. You wouldn’t believe how many folks try to return food without it. I need it to refund your money, it’s company policy. For all I know you went into the store and just grabbed something off the shelf to return for the cash. How do I know you’re not a thieving plonker? Hey, there are shit heads out there that do this. Plus, something could ring in wrong when you’re paying for your processed, low calorie, all natural, locally grown, gluten free, whole food with minimal packaging. How would you even know if you don’t look at it? So what I’m trying to say is, take your fucking sales slip.

It’s funny when customers get angry when I ask for their proof of purchase. They become irrate. It’s tiring. Even if I’ve told them a million times they have to have it, they continue to return shit without one over and over again. Sometimes I wonder if some customers are brain dead.

Please stop “dirty carting”. You would not believe how many times we are bringing in the carts and there’s a half eaten apple and a dirty snot rag full of virus sitting in the buggy because somebody was too fucking lazy to throw it out themselves. It’s disugusting. Don’t do that. If you have snotty nosed brats, pick up after them. Or if it’s just you, don’t be a fuckin’ pig.

And then, there is this nightmare.

~GW

Things That Irk Me

There are a lot of things that irritate me, but nothing boils my blood worse than somebody who is driving in the passing lane as slow as a drunken slug and won’t move over. Or even worse, they won’t let me in the right lane so I can make my turn. Yeah, I get road raged.

Don’t fucking do that…

People are STILL coming to my cash talking on their phone, and STILL completely ignoring my existence. It’s starting to happen so often that it’s making me passive aggressive. Now I purposely ask questions. “It’s nice out today isn’t it? Do you need a bag? How are you doing today? How would you like to pay for your purchase? Would you like me to put your vegetables in a produce bag? The weather is getting colder, I wonder if it’s going to rain today? Those cookies look really good.” I constantly interrupt their call. Hey, if you want to be a prick I can be a bigger one. The customers behind them always end up apologizing to me. It’s not their fault the person in front of them is a jackass. There are too many rude, idiots in the world.

STOP. DOING. THAT.

This is literally my face. “How can I help you, mother fucker?

You may not know this, but I have no interest in Aunt Hilda’s hemorrhoid surgery, neither do I care if little Johnny is an obnoxious jerk who tantrums. Maybe if you’d get off your fucking phone….just sayin’.

Also…

Adults need to stop bashing Greta Thunberg. Anyone who does that is a dick. It’s nice to see young people sticking up for our planet.

Keep up the good work, Greta. You are wise beyond your years. Many of us appreciate what you are doing.

~GW

A Few Bits And Bobs That Bug Me

The checkout line is not a storge area. The customer has all of their items on the belt with people lined up behind them and they ask, “is it okay if I run to the furthest corner of the store and get some milk?” No, it’s the express line. When they do that and just take off it backs the line right up like a girgling faulty toilet because all their processed shit is in the way of everyone else.

It’s usually always people who insist on using the express lane with way more than their limit, too. It’s one – eight items. Forty-eight cans of soup does not equal one item. They look at me innocently. “Well, I don’t want to wait in line.” Tough shit, Sherlock, it’s one-eight items for a reason. They don’t even apologize when it happens, either, because they are entitled pieces of ignorant shit.

When a customer wants something against the store’s policy and I refuse it, it’s really annoying when they say, “well the other cashier does it for me all the time!” I just shrug and reply, “well, they shouldn’t be doing that.”

It also bugs the crap out of me when they hand back six items they decided they don’t want. I feel like saying, “WhyTF did you pick them up?” Have a little self control, holy cucumber.

Or, they load up the belt with items and then realize they left their wallet at home. Then we have to put everything back and they just walk away. If it’s night time it’s usually me who has to put it back because we have a skeleton staff. Come on, I always check to make sure I have my wallet and money before I buy anything. Don’t leave it to the last minute.

With a cart full of groceries and no wallet…You just go ahead and put them all back Ms. Whisperer, because that’s your job. To put back the groceries of all the arseholes of the world.

And what happened to please and thank you? How many folks were raised in a barn? Yup and nope are not polite answers.

Ugh!

They start early.

Don’t even get me started about the buggies. It even sends the buggy boy into a tizzy. They have to walk that way to leave the store.

Every God damn day, they do it.

A customer stood at the service counter buying his groceries. I stood at cash three and happened to notice the back of his black tee shirt. It said in big white letters, ROTTEN TO THE CORE. I wanted to run up to him and slap him with a big, red NOT FOR SALE sticker, but I restrained myself. Sometimes I have to be careful because some folks don’t understand my grocery humour. 😀

BLAM! I did it in my mind!

And lastly…

Here you go. Holy Keanu. You may as well take this one too, because, I know that’s what you’re doing. Ha ha!

~GW