Tips For Busy Assholes

DelightfuL

When I’m standing at my cash preparing to serve you, please make sure you don’t stink. By stink, I mean that you don’t have an obnoxious, biohazard stank breath. It’s fucking disgusting. I don’t want to smell the insides of your digesting gut. It makes me take a step back and I’ll talk to you from an impersonal, lean backward stance. I know I might be asking for too much, but can you please gargle with a vat of Listerine and chew on a whole bottle of cloves? Actually, just douse your throat with a jug of Clorox. Stop molesting each and every one of my nose hairs.

Tooth brushes are on sale on isle two. Or, there is duct tape to cover your gob. Even better!

This is literally my face.

I’m going to give you a little helpful exercise. Lick the palm of your hand and smell it. Take a deep and long whiff. Try not to choke on your own pong. That’s what your breath is doing to society. I’ve walked into the grocery store and the air smells toxically sour because of somebody’s back alley sewage water breath, so I have to go around spraying febreeze just so that I can get through my shift without gagging up my breakfast and lunch. It’s like an animal that climbs up my nose, borrows into my head and lives there.

Is it rude to throw a breath mint into somebody’s mouth when they are talking? Ha!

Also, after you pay for your items, please take your receipt. If you need to return something at a later date, you’ll need to have that piece of inconvienience you want to toss. You wouldn’t believe how many folks try to return food without it. I need it to refund your money, it’s company policy. For all I know you went into the store and just grabbed something off the shelf to return for the cash. How do I know you’re not a thieving plonker? Hey, there are shit heads out there that do this. Plus, something could ring in wrong when you’re paying for your processed, low calorie, all natural, locally grown, gluten free, whole food with minimal packaging. How would you even know if you don’t look at it? So what I’m trying to say is, take your fucking sales slip.

It’s funny when customers get angry when I ask for their proof of purchase. They become irrate. It’s tiring. Even if I’ve told them a million times they have to have it, they continue to return shit without one over and over again. Sometimes I wonder if some customers are brain dead.

Please stop “dirty carting”. You would not believe how many times we are bringing in the carts and there’s a half eaten apple and a dirty snot rag full of virus sitting in the buggy because somebody was too fucking lazy to throw it out themselves. It’s disugusting. Don’t do that. If you have snotty nosed brats, pick up after them. Or if it’s just you, don’t be a fuckin’ pig.

And then, there is this nightmare.

~GW

A Few Bits And Bobs That Bug Me

The checkout line is not a storge area. The customer has all of their items on the belt with people lined up behind them and they ask, “is it okay if I run to the furthest corner of the store and get some milk?” No, it’s the express line. When they do that and just take off it backs the line right up like a girgling faulty toilet because all their processed shit is in the way of everyone else.

It’s usually always people who insist on using the express lane with way more than their limit, too. It’s one – eight items. Forty-eight cans of soup does not equal one item. They look at me innocently. “Well, I don’t want to wait in line.” Tough shit, Sherlock, it’s one-eight items for a reason. They don’t even apologize when it happens, either, because they are entitled pieces of ignorant shit.

When a customer wants something against the store’s policy and I refuse it, it’s really annoying when they say, “well the other cashier does it for me all the time!” I just shrug and reply, “well, they shouldn’t be doing that.”

It also bugs the crap out of me when they hand back six items they decided they don’t want. I feel like saying, “WhyTF did you pick them up?” Have a little self control, holy cucumber.

Or, they load up the belt with items and then realize they left their wallet at home. Then we have to put everything back and they just walk away. If it’s night time it’s usually me who has to put it back because we have a skeleton staff. Come on, I always check to make sure I have my wallet and money before I buy anything. Don’t leave it to the last minute.

With a cart full of groceries and no wallet…You just go ahead and put them all back Ms. Whisperer, because that’s your job. To put back the groceries of all the arseholes of the world.

And what happened to please and thank you? How many folks were raised in a barn? Yup and nope are not polite answers.

Ugh!

They start early.

Don’t even get me started about the buggies. It even sends the buggy boy into a tizzy. They have to walk that way to leave the store.

Every God damn day, they do it.

A customer stood at the service counter buying his groceries. I stood at cash three and happened to notice the back of his black tee shirt. It said in big white letters, ROTTEN TO THE CORE. I wanted to run up to him and slap him with a big, red NOT FOR SALE sticker, but I restrained myself. Sometimes I have to be careful because some folks don’t understand my grocery humour. 😀

BLAM! I did it in my mind!

And lastly…

Here you go. Holy Keanu. You may as well take this one too, because, I know that’s what you’re doing. Ha ha!

~GW