Pussy Perfume

I watched a show on Netflix called Empire of Scents. Well, I must say it was somewhat of an eye opener. The sense of smell is a very powerful thing.

There is a perfume called Vulva Original which is supposed to smell like the scent of a beautiful woman. They went around taking samples of women’s vulvas, and then picked the one they felt smelled the best. It’s been out for a couple of years, but I didn’t know about it. It got mixed reviews. Some men loved it, some said it smelled like horse piss.

I just wonder when they’re going to come out with an ‘Ode De Penis scent for women?

Imagine, making an aphrodisiac perfume out of your own vaginal secretions to attract men. Is this the new secret weapon for women? Mix some snatch juice with a few essential oils and voila! I have taken a few essential oil mixing classes at my local crystal shop over the past couple of years. Unfortunately though, body fluids and sweat become unstable and don’t do well in mixtures.

Damn! No pheromone potions? Ah, there goes my chances of being the next GW Potter.

Ummm…

So what is the solution? Well, you just stick your finger into the dark abyss (you know, down there), and dab it onto your pulse points. (wrists, behind the ears and cleavage), and then go out on your date and win yourself the man of your dreams. Apparently, this used to be a thing in Medieval Europe. It drives men wild.

Yes, this may seem fucking disgusting but I have read that this works to take your romantic relationships to the next level.

Will I be doing this? No. I don’t date anymore. However, one of my readers may want to take it on as their next science experiment to spruce up a boring weekend.

See what happens when I’m left alone at home? Ha!

In other news, I’m still trying to get over my cold. I have to go back to work tonight. It’s going to be rough.

~GW

Vapor Caper

A lady dressed in a tailored suit and wearing a pearl necklace came up to my cash register and waited for me to ring through her groceries. This chick must have soaked herself in a vat of perfume and then sprayed it all over herself as well for good measure.

She created a deadly, toxic force field. Her offensive chemical consistancy permeated in the air surrounding her like a hog sewer and a vat of rotting onions instantly and energetically smashed together. It choked me really badly like a skunk desperately running into my nostrils looking for berries.

What happened to the idea of a little dab will do ya? Or that less is more?

This black hole stench-vortex sucked the oxygen right out of my lungs. My throat seized up like a rusty engine and I simultaneously explosively farted and choke-coughed at the same time.

Oopsie…

Yes, I felt embarrassed. I wanted to drop through a trap door beneath me. I obviously have really bad allergies. This definitely wasn’t a grocery whisper.

She took a step back, eyes wide, staring at me looking both surprised and horrified. “Are you okay?”

What I really wanted to do is curse. I felt angry because I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t actually say the words in bold, but it’s what I thought.

“Yes, I’m okay. You stupid, stinking bitch. I always like to pretend I’m an exploding balloon at least once a day. I’m big at parties!” I remarked sarcastically. “Actually, I’m allergic to your perfume,” I gasped. “You’re wearing too much. How do you not know that you reek like a pit of decaying animals covered in ammonia? The buzzards are circling!”

She looked offended and left. It wasn’t my fault she stank like a two cent hooker. I wonder to this day if she still soaks herself in lung destroying chemical. I exploded like an aerosol can on an open flame in front of her. I hope she learned this valuable life lesson:

If you wear too much perfume you’ll get a KABOOM!

~GW