Vapor Caper

A lady dressed in a tailored suit and wearing a pearl necklace came up to my cash register and waited for me to ring through her groceries. This chick must have soaked herself in a vat of perfume and then sprayed it all over herself as well for good measure.

She created a deadly, toxic force field. Her offensive chemical consistancy permeated in the air surrounding her like a hog sewer and a vat of rotting onions instantly and energetically smashed together. It choked me really badly like a skunk desperately running into my nostrils looking for berries.

What happened to the idea of a little dab will do ya? Or that less is more?

This black hole stench-vortex sucked the oxygen right out of my lungs. My throat seized up like a rusty engine and I simultaneously explosively farted and choke-coughed at the same time.


Yes, I felt embarrassed. I wanted to drop through a trap door beneath me. I obviously have really bad allergies. This definitely wasn’t a grocery whisper.

She took a step back, eyes wide, staring at me looking both surprised and horrified. “Are you okay?”

What I really wanted to do is curse. I felt angry because I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t actually say the words in bold, but it’s what I thought.

“Yes, I’m okay. You stupid, stinking bitch. I always like to pretend I’m an exploding balloon at least once a day. I’m big at parties!” I remarked sarcastically. “Actually, I’m allergic to your perfume,” I gasped. “You’re wearing too much. How do you not know that you reek like a pit of decaying animals covered in ammonia? The buzzards are circling!”

She looked offended and left. It wasn’t my fault she stank like a two cent hooker. I wonder to this day if she still soaks herself in lung destroying chemical. I exploded like an aerosol can on an open flame in front of her. I hope she learned this valuable life lesson:

If you wear too much perfume you’ll get a KABOOM!


11 thoughts on “Vapor Caper

  1. Sounds like she was wearing new perfume on top of an outfit soaked in old perfume. Not nice at all. I suppose if one is liberal enough with the stuff you don’t even smell it any more, hence the apparent need to apply way too much.

    I enjoy scent, but am careful to just walk through a spritz of it when I do indulge…because I know some people are very sensitive. You probably wouldn’t even smell me unless you hugged me.

    If I know I am heading to a public event, I won’t wear any just in case some one is affected adversely by it. Between deodorant and hair products, I am probably toxic enough already for those people, unfortunately.


    Liked by 3 people

      1. I remember the patchouli oil post! Have not been able to sniff any out yet – hehehe – see what I did there? Interesting that essential oils don’t bother you. As you said, it must be the (synthetic) chemicals used in modern perfumes.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Nowadays the woman would have reported you for your “offensive” comments. People don’t realize what those in your job have to go through, which is why I try to be nice to all people if I can.

    Liked by 3 people

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